Xenophobes Guide to the Belgians by Antony Mason

Ref: Antony Mason (2019). Xenophobes Guide to the Belgians. Xenophobe’s Guides. ISBN: 9781908120090.

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Summary­

  • The UN have rated Belgium as one of the best places to live in the EU, and among the 20 most prosperous countries in the world, facts which came as a shock to the Belgians who promptly devoted a large quantity of printer’s ink and blog spaces to explaining why such accolades are not justified.

  • In an opinion poll it was found that 60% of Belgians wish they had been born elsewhere.

  • Belgian’s share: Beer, Chips, Tintin, The Catholic Church, Chocolate.

  • It is often said that there are only two slender threads holding the nation together: the Royal Family and the Red Devils.

  • Belgian-ness (Flemish): Get out there, do an honest day’s work for a fair wage, put some away for the future, then spend what’s left over on having a good time.

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Belgian’s

  • Belgians have always opted for moderation and cannot abide ostentation. It’s a great sin in Bë to be vulgaire.

  • To a Belg, common sense is a better friend than original thought. Common sense, hard work, humor, and tolerance towards outsiders- within reason- are virtues closest to their hearts.

  • Belgians are almost naively devoted to being good citizens. And kind of vandalism, dropping litter, or deliberate anti-social behavior is greeted with horror and disgust.

  • The Belgians have a simple class system: Everyone is middle class.

  • Belgians have a horror of dirt and their homes are kept fearsomely clean.

  • It is best if your fortified manor house or town flat is brand new, double glazed, and fully centrally heated to a temperature just short of a hothouse. This allows you to grow more indoor plants with which to block out the light.

  • Success is measured in more modest terms: the best thing is to earn a good living and stash away enough money in various pension schemes and numbered Lux investment accounts to retire at a youngish age, then to live long and comfortably and to pursue hobbies, grow vegetables and enjoy plenty of extended lunches in good restaurants with pals who share the same outlook on life.

  • The Belgians started to leave God out of their social circle sometime during the last world war, but feel that is would be a waste to let all those nice building become redundant.

  • To Belgians, Foreigners are Turks and Northern Africans. In some of the central districts of Brussels, 50% of the population is of immigrant descent. There is little social contact between these immigrants and most Belgians. Most immigrants do not drink alcohol so, for them, that writes off about 80% of Belgian social life.

  • Granny is often just a block away, conveniently placed to field the children when they come home from school, and to dispense her wisdom about how to keep your man.

  • It is amazing how much news can be exchanged in the time it takes a charcutier to slice an Ardennes ham or a boulangère to wrap a baguette.

  • Obsessive drive and the killer instinct- essentials to modern sporting success- are not really part of the Belgian psyche.

  • The Belgians are sticklers for quality.

  • The Belgians do not really get trumped up about culture at all. They like the idea of it, but distrust anyone who displays too much.

  • On the one hand, Belgians appear honest and law abiding to an almost painful degree. This leaves them dangerously exposed to utter dismay whenever crime occurs. On the other hand, they believe in a system of mutual favors.

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Flemish, Walloon’s, Dutch, French

  • In Flanders, a Fleming who becomes an international star is likely to be championed as a great Fleming, but a Walloon who becomes an international star will be claimed by the Flemish as a great Belgian.

  • Why do the Walloon’s have a cock as their emblem? Because it’s the only animal that still sings while it’s standing in shit.

  • Flemish Unemployment: 4.4% vs. Walloon Unemployment: 9.8%.

  • Walloons are upset because the Flemish won’t speak French even though they know how.

  • To the Walloons, the Dutch are a rather successful, refined version of the Flemish; they are enviably ordered, clearheaded and open-minded, though they lack the secretive and faintly disreputable side of the Flemish with which the Walloons feel more comfortable.

  • The Flemish on the Dutch: They are unforgivably mean and puritanical and drive badly. They stream across Belgium in their caravans during the annual summer exodus, and don’t spend any money.

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Belgian Politics

  • Defence, Taxation, and infrastructure remain in the realm of national as opposed to regional government.

  • Eligible citizens must vote or face a fine.

  • The King has to give his ascent to any legislation passed by the National Government. This gave rise to a famous incident in 1990, when King Baudouin was confronted with a bill to legalize limited abortion. He objected on moral ground, but to avert a constitutional crisis he abdicated for one day so the bill could be passed.

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Belgian Economics

  • Every Belgian citizen helps the GNP along by dutifully consuming an average of 6kg of chocolate each year.

  • Belgian Beers: The valley of the River Senne has its own unique, naturally occurring airborne yeast which is used to produce a distinctive, winey beer called lambic and its derivatives: kriek (macerated with cherries), framboise (raspberries), and faro (caramel and sugar). The famous gueuze is a matured form of lambic.

  • There are 220 large breweries in Belgium that produce more than 2 billion liters of beer per annum (of which 60% is exported) under nearly 1600 different brand names and labels.

  • Antwerp handles 85% of the world’s uncut diamonds.

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Belgian Education

  • According to a UN report, the Belgian education system is the best in the world. This is just the sort of good news that the government seizes upon in relieved triumph, and the rest of the nation dismisses as a pernicious bureaucratic fantasy liable to cause complacency.

  • Universities, like the schools, are separated by Belgium’s linguistic divide, and few students cross over. This issue was dramatically brought to a head at Leuven/Louvain, one of Europe’s oldest universities, where Flemish was treated as a secondary language until violent discord in the 1960s caused the university to split.

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Belgian Holidays

  • May: Kattefeest of Ypres; Cats made of cloth are hurled from town hall (until 1817 they were real cats).

  • August: A Mat Tree is paraded noisily around the streets of Central Brussels by the brotherhood of the companions of St. Lawrence, and then planted in a prepared space in the pavement.

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Terminology

  • Belgian Compromise: Belgian capacity to find a solution through compromise in any sphere due to their historied Vlaams-Waloon political and linguistic divide.

  • ‘Faire son Samedi’: An old tradition of Saturday spring cleaning in Belgium households.

  • Pralines: Luxury Chocolates.

  • Walloon: Derived from walha, an old Germanic term used to describe Celtic and Latin speakers. It was applied to the people of S. Belgium who had developed their own kind of French- a mix of Celtic and Latin.

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Misc Quotes

  • ‘Belge, et fier de l’etre’: Belgian and Proud of it.

  • “Well, conditions weren’t ideal, but…”-Eddy Merckx on how he remounted and continued a race after an accident in which he received a double jaw fracture.

  • The old language of Brussels was Flemish, but when Belgium was a part of the Duchy of Burgundy, French became the language of its rulers and filtered downwards.

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Chronology

  • 2013: Belgian King Albert abdicates the throne in favor of his son and heir, Prince Philippe.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 2010: Due to a political crisis, Belgium is left with no government for more than a year.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 2001: Belgium legalizes euthanasia for incurables in a condition of ‘constant and unbearable suffering.’-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1993: Death of Belgian King Baudouin who is succeed by his brother Albert.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1991: Belgium abandons the Ancient Salic Law, which excludes female inheritance.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1990: Belgium legalizes abortion after Bë King Baudouin abdicates the throne for a day so the bill can be passed.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1958: The Atomium, a 100m tall, giant model of an Fe atom, is erected for the Universelle de Bruxelles Exposition.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1893: Art Nouveau in Architecture is introduced by Belgian Victor Horta.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 1831: Prince Leopold of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, uncle of Queen Victoria, accepts the position as First King of Belgium.-Xeno by Mason.

  • 25 Aug, 1830: Belgium attains Independence from the Netherlands; stirred by the sentiments of Auber’s La Muette de Portici (the Dumb Girl of Portici), Belgian opera-goers rush into the streets of Brussels and raise the national flag over town hall. After a few skirmishes, the occupying Dutch troops fled and the rebels stormed the Royal Palace, where they celebrated the end of Dutch rule by crowning a bust of the King with a Dutch Cheese.-Xeno by Mason.

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